Fear

So I usually don't talk about back pain on this blog.  But it's been something that is heavy on my heart and keeps me hesitant daily.  I don't know how to describe it but uncontrollable.  I can't tell from when I wake up on how my day will end.  So many things run through my head when I get a second of pain.  Will it go away if I move a different direction, will it go away if I stretch, will it go away if I lay down, what about a good nights sleep, maybe in a couple days, should I wait to see a Dr, who knows what next week will bring, then it can go to seeing several doctors/surgeons, to finalizing a procedure.  Then after a procedure starts the physical therapy and daily stretching to slowly grow back my strength.

Then starts the days where I can go almost a full day without pain.  I feel free, I can where my boots, I can walk my dogs, do outfit posts and then there's even days where I can hike in the jungle, wear heels to an event, carry little kids around tickling their siblings.  It's just so confusing and scary.  

It's scary because as unknowingly when the pain will come back, I also don't know when it will decide to go away.  With how sporadic the pain has been, how will I know when it will end.  When will I know when I'm safe enough to have a child.  Why would I still have pissed off pain even with my nerves burned off?  

I do think that my "positive" outlook on my back helps me through.  The best thing I do to help is by saying to myself this true statement:

"If this is the worst thing in my life, then I'm pretty lucky."

I can only be grateful that I'm not diagnosed with a terminal disease and I'm blessed with amazing friends and family.

I'm also pretty glad I have a horrible memory.  Even the next day I can forget how truly horrible the stabbing, crippling pain is.  That's why I think it hits me so hard when it comes back.  It brings back all the pain it's already caused me and the fear of going through it again.  

Ugh, stupid backs.  Who needs them?!

What in your life do you fear? 

Love, Sarah

(I have a back pain blog.  I plan on doing a lot more on it to help those I know with back pain as well.)